Still feeling like I was missing something
Like I wasn't doing enough.
There, that was it. I kept calling out to God telling Him I needed Him, BUT (and this is a big but) I still tried to control it.
I still kept thinking, "Look at me God. Here I am, I am being nice, I am being calm..look at me"
I still kept thinking, "Look at me friends, I am showing you God's love through my actions, I am being obedient"
I kept trying to make it about me.
I kept trying to please me
I kept trying to make myself feel better at the end of the day because I was a certain way
I kept making myself feel worse about myself because I didn't act a certain way.
But guess what?
It's not about me
Now this is what I have been saying my whole life. "I don't want people to see me, I want people to see God", " I don't want to be nice and serve so people will like me, but because I want to do it out of love for my Savior."
But that is exactly what I was doing. My need to control my situation, to make everyone around me like me and to make sure everyone around me thought I had it all together, ruled my life.
I was so afraid that I wouldn't be loved, that I put my fear above my need to serve God.
I was afraid that I would mess up, that I tried to control my environment, that God's love was not able to shine through.
So, even though my heart wanted to serve Him, my actions were showing the exact opposite. Even though I loved God and wanted to be used by Him, my control and fear got in the way.
This has been very hard for me to admit. I want to have it all together, I want to be perfect. I want to be those things because if I am not then someone may not like me. But even writing that down is crazy!
The very minute I was able to admit to myself and others that I am a mess, was the very minute God was able to reveal to me my flaws, I could address them, embrace them and accept them. THEN I was able to serve and to love to be gracious and compassionate and people were able to see God and not me.
Because I am a mess.
I need God to survive, to breathe...I need the Holy Spirit to encompass me in a way that I cannot see or feel anything but Him inside me.
When I release it, when I let it go...the peace is there, the strength is there. I stop trying to prove to the world how awesome I am, I start living for my one God.
Because it has nothing to do with me.